Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
