gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
