yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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