I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
