I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
