Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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