sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
