I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
