Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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