Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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