i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
