Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
