Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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