Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
