I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
