I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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