I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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