I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
