Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
