I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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