ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
