P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
