Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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