Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
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i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
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You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night