Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
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tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
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That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool