Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
