More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
