Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
