Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
