Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
