she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
