Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
