WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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