Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
