i want to swaddle you in tequila
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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