Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
