took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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