I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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