i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
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I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
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Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I deserve this hangover.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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