Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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