What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
