ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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