I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
