Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
