i already hear my dad disowning me
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Sober January is a disaster.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
