thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
porn star boner night. come get it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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