I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
