I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
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Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
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I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.