Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are