What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm passing your future prison.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.