Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.