the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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