Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
