so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
