He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
