conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
