I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
