Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
