I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
